virulence
it's so much better when there's things in the way. i've struggled to maintain composure on any one thing at a time because of my deciding that putting anything and everything on pause is better than missing out on experiencing the countless lives of every person i encounter. no one is ever just one person, and finding that out in real time, constantly, is beautiful. it's both shallow and intensely human to think like that, to me.
this has all suffered because of thatābut my ability to process, to feel out of control in the flurry of new everything, i'd give it all up (except maybe this) for that. i like being able to still escape back here though, to friends that i've had for years, to writing and creating that in the grand scheme amounts to little but idle fun. i no longer care that that's true. that might just free up the ability to let loose here as well. i hope so. but i've said enough of that. i'll stop speaking on it eventually.
but having a singular, escapable financial support, and running away from it as fast as i can once i leave its wallsāthat's all i need anymore, at all. maybe ever. as long as it supports me just enough; i'll find the rest of the support i need elsewhere.
if only university wasn't a horrible place to realize this.
<3