nat's dinosaur exhibit

partygirl

i struggle to come up with something meaningful to say when there aren't converging dilemmas cropping up in life; as much as i tried to downplay the importance of trauma in writing in cassandra, it does do a lot of heavy lifting for motivation's sake. though i am mildly happy that, even in the face of those confounding issues of what i can do with life (at least in a way that is consciously, proactively & morally fine, despite being in a system that encourages blindness to the fact that everything is motivated by and thus performs capitalist delusion), i am tacitly okay with the way things are moving.

can you tell i'm reading mark fisher right now? ...sorry

but my distraction (bar university challenges) from that thought spiral has been getting to the point that i feel comfortable in what i've managed to bandaid together in ableton after much too long of a delay in conceited effort. i am nowhere near certain of if it will see the light of day, especially since vocals feel essential in some way, but the fact that i've made something i can unequivocally be proud of is comforting.

though on a brief tangent, i've discovered that maybe stories as podcasts are the only podcasts i can stand; i enjoyed nice white parents as a brief, five part narrative piece, and maybe similar podcasts that are as segmented and pointedly finite are just overall more appealing to me as a genuine form of artistic (and in this case, sociopolitical) expression through spoken word. and there's certainly part of me that has no idea how to, or if there's even a point to, giving ratings to podcasts that are so freewheeling in their ability to constantly record for years on end. they're either incredibly tiresome, inherently unappealing, or... anything else that i just can't get into.

anyways, on the theme of trying to find a way to make money on something, i'm a bit sad to admit that i did have a really good idea for a pocket rating recap video series that fell through, simply because of me not being ready for how much prep work it needed. i'm worried i won't get to it for an april recap either, but it's something i'm heavily entertaining because—like most people heavily involved in the internet—having a background youtube video is a lot more immediate than a ton of short quips in writing (and has a much better return on investment down the line, at least in theory).

but as much as these few paragraphs have been me divulging not knowing where to go, even in the spaces i hold so dear online, i received an email on april 1 (which i've only just now realized, and i find very funny, in jest) that gave me a lot of pause about how i want to write. and along with keeping track of how my site analytics have comparatively exploded since i've syndicated my reviews on rateyourmusic, albumoftheyear & letterboxd recently, i feel like the internet as a portable home for me is becoming much more tangible than it has ever been before.

i don't know how to keep going all the time, and the only reason i keep my online presence like this going is just because i find some hope in it, both for my creative side and for the prospect that people actually look through it and get at least the tiniest morsel of anything out of it. but it's a warm feeling of approval when, despite the numbers still being small, there's enough substance to move the needle for me in the physical world through a virtual window.

now please watch the charli xcx boiler room set! yes to the cultural reset

ilysm <3