nat's dinosaur exhibit

aqueduct

my cousin very much feels like an important frame of reference for me; whether that's true, especially because i don't talk to him at all, i can't be 100% certain of. but the way information of his family disseminated south to mine and then through warped lenses... it all came to light in my head why my desired severing through travel and picking routes makes a lot of sense. it also made plastic beach a doubly bittersweet listen; i love that the last time we talked years ago, that was the recommendation i was handed. it took a little too long to get to, regrettably, but i had to become me first. i'm glad that took precedence, and i'm glad that touchstone will always persist when i listen to how beautifully electrifying empire ants is. the communication while moving through cogs and learning to love some part of all of this—maybe that's the closest we'll get to talking for... i don't know.

this post has been stewing for a little while. i've had bullet points on what to spit out, but they feel less important now:

they're honestly a little funny, if i'm being honest with myself. the last bullet point is trying to say that i over-explain too much, i feel like i talk about the same thing over and over again, and that in some way, i can never change that. or at the very least, the things i'm this interested in talking about either a) feel like they've already been said ad nauseam and better, or b) i explain them coherently to myself, but become incoherent in the process of wanting to do something with those thoughts other than just proclaim them as 'done' as soon as they're written out.

i'm doing something similar again.

this mental block is one that i always think i work around, that i always feel i'm coming to some precipice of, but there's always another few thousand steps to climb up. maybe this is the furthest i get? i don't know, and the fear of trying is certainly a lot of it, i fear. what i've been doing is comfortable, low stakes, and low reward. all this does not a meaningful (money-earning; what difference?) side project make.

and i've known from the start that 'success' is very improbable. in fact, functionally impossible. certainly with the way i've operated, as much as i love(?) doing what i've been doing. seeing the amount of things posted over the past two months is as at least a bit reassuring, because it shows i've hit some stride, even if it likely won't amount to much, and i'll have to tacitly move on and refocus slightly because a 'real' job is needed. this whole time it's been the way to run from the fact that working for most companies is something i truly despise, or at least that's some sort of barrier i build to protect... whatever. the library makes sense to me right now, but if i want financial independence...

i don't think reading mark fisher is going to help with that, as much as i'd probably get through it faster than the rest of the stuff i've failed to read.

and i know that a good deal of my concern with those bullet points is in realizing that i have to come face to face with a) not wanting to relapse to a version of myself i don't think i can't live though, or b) stripping away a lot of the privileges i've been lucked into in order to live a life i enjoy. this whole path i've wanted for myself makes a lot of sense now, actually.

thanks to her <3

hope this helps!